Why I am leaving a job after 9 years

I try really hard not to post negative things online.  But I really want to put this out there.  I haven't decided what's "in it for me" to put this out there, I guess I am hoping that someone might see that even though we feel like we have to stay in a situation, we don't.  I also just want to be honest about why after 9 years I finally am walking away from a job I have loved.

I have been at LFPC for 9 yrs and 4 months.  In my time there I have made GREAT friends, lifetime friends, one that has been in my hospital room for the delivery of both my children.  I have friends there that will remain friends outside the walls of LFPC FOR SURE.  Other friends that have touched my heart in special ways but I wonder if we will drift apart because we just carry a friendship while at work but do very little outside LFPC/or talk except but at work.  And then I have the "friends" that have gossiped about me, I've walked out of rooms to hear them talking crap on me.  Happy to say goodbye to those friendships, but so very sad not to see the others 4 days a week!

I have had my ups and downs w/ this practice, patiently or not so patiently survived through their hasty decisions.  Survived through being on phentermine (made me a very paranoid, anxious, jerk nicely stated)which almost cost me my job and work friends which was intensified by a person that lied, gossiped, and stirred up trouble enough to alienate me. Once being the ONLY person not invited to a dual birthday party. I rose above that, and that was probably my hardest month ever!  Survived MANY changes.

If your my friend, you know my love or people and I believe excellent customer service still exists.  I was at LFPC for the patients!  I'm not going to lie and say I loved them all.  I had 2 especially that I would often ask someone else to room, but I tried VERY hard not to be judgmental of people/patients, and just show them kindness as if I might be the only kind face they saw in a day.  My heart was tugged on by many!  I loved my days where there was an extra sick kid or adult that I got to be extra hospitable to, or where during a procedure my only job was to help keep a kiddo calm, running my fingers through their hair, rubbing their forehead, talking softly to them, telling them how brave they are.  I would go home saying "this is why I am here!".  Those moments I will cherish and remember.  I could tell immediately I had made a difference, instant gratification.  I will miss this!

In July we consolidated staff, a few staff members were effected by this, by consolidating it meant changing what my job duties were and my availability "needed to be flexible to get my hours".  Well my husband gets his schedule Friday for the next week starting Sunday and has to work some evenings or gets off at 6, which makes it really hard to figure out who could be home to relieve the sitter.  I also would be a receptionist, do data entry crap in a cubicle, or room patients and if someone was sick I would be pulled from whatever to go cover that position w/ little consideration or understanding that I thought I was getting off at a certain time and now this position requires I work longer.  GRRR.  Thankful for a paycheck yes, a job that seems to think that my life revolves around them, no thank you!!

When they took me away from my routine patients, stuck me in a cubicle, had my friend ask me to not come talk to her at her desk (which was like 10 minutes a week), when management responds with things like "you should be lucky you got a lunch at all" (after an 8 min lunch to pump and eat on a 13 hour day) or wouldn't give me ONE day past 6 weeks on maternity leave, when they expect you to room double the amount of pt's in 8 hrs (work for 2 providers) than all the other aides w/ no extra pay....I was done!  I WILL NEVER be taken advantage of again!!  They took my passion away when they took me away from the patients especially the my regular patients.  I LOVED what I did, made ALL the other BS worth it when I could help people, have relationships w/ these people, ask them about their grand kids, kids, ask them about their job hunt, house fire recovery, new marriage, college, living situation etc. I knew them, I could hug them, I could share tears w/ them.  They weren't just a patient, they were people.

So beyond a bad manager, gossiping (which I wasn't innocent from), I have done my fair share of gossiping, hasty decisions, I am leaving because ONE I won't be taken advantage of and TWO I'm not leaving my kids for a job I don't enjoy.  They took my love away when they took me and threw me wherever.

I have wanted to start a daycare for over 4/5 years, I bought this house w/ the intent to do that, of course it seemed bugger a few years ago).  I have been scared to open a daycare because of losing the paid holidays, health benefits etc.  My job has been a steady income, with childcare, if someone gets laid off I lose that income etc.  I also was scared to be home all day, on my days off, it's rare we just hang around the house) but now I have a strong community of friends and know I can always call someone to go hang out with to get out of the house in the evenings.  I am thankful to LFPC for giving me that extra push and to ECC for the courage, support and giving me the tools to be able to put God back in my life!!  I am so very thankful for the friends who have encouraged and supported me along the way!  This all together has given me this amazing opportunity to get to spend my days loving kids, helping them develop, and giving kids a safe place to come...all while getting to be the one to raise my kids!  I am forever thankful for my friendships, experiences, relationships, personal growth, birth of my 2 babies, and paychecks at LFPC!  Time has come to move onto something FAR greater than being inside the walls of LFPC as an employee.

I just wanted to share the Truth of why I am leaving LFPC and not the sanitized version of "I wanted to open a daycare". I am SO freaking excited to move on and start my next chapter!

"Cheers" to the past, the things that have built our character to be what we are.  Don't ever settle, always live to grow, and believe in yourself.  Cheers to the present, live in this moment, it's your only guarantee, and Cheers to the future which brings hope and much promise!!  God didn't put us here to just pass time, to be miserable, go brighten lives around you, be kind, be giving, be LOVE!

God knows

Funny how God knows what we need...well not funny or surprising, after all he made us.  I imagine every person of faith has highs and lows in their spiritual journey.  I have had those as well.  I have experienced the high of accepting Christ/ making the choice to believe in him.  Just what I needed at the time, something greater than human to believe in.  I could sit here and list things/people/events one right after another that God placed in my life to lift me up right when I needed but I won't.  Fast forward to last year finding ECC....He knew that I had reached a maturity level I could start sifting through and facing my past and surrounded me with safe, non judging people, and a church where I could reunite with God. Since then the shame of being sexually abused, a previous drug user, of being a sinner in so many ways has been lifted enough that I could face God and see that I didn't/don't have to get myself fixed in order to get right w/ God or to have God love me.  That's right...you don't have to be anything other than YOU, mess and all to say "Hi God, I'm here, help me".  So my passion for God was re lit, my yearning to look for God, learn about God, Love God, Hear God, know I'm loved by God, and to share God all very present.

God has done amazing work in me and I will never forget how intensely I felt His overwhelming sense of presence 5/7 months ago while he worked on me to share my story...I would wake up and God was right there saying "your going to do this, I want you to do this". Yea, yea...I know it sounds weird to say God said something to me...but He did.  I thought about it several times a day and would pray, I wanted to share but was scared to be vulnerable.  But everyday I was thinking about how to say these things that had happened, how this could help others find healing through Jesus and knowing they are not alone....until I did share...and WHEW, God gave me instant relieve just after recording it.  I knew that by doing that it would say...God met me where I was, mess and all and there is healing...through Him!  There's Hope!  Then I shared my story at church, wasn't nervous like I thought I should be, God was right there comforting me, keeping me calm. That was my biggest ever spiritual high, I literally FELT Him with me, I was doing His work, for His purpose...that's the most right and best I think I've ever felt.  Doing something completely for God and knowing it was what He wanted.

Then the last few months have just been crazy, family chaos, work crap/stress, marital stress, parental stress...things I do just not good enough, lack of organization. I've been trying to have quiet time w/ God, reading the bible, praising and thanking God for SO many blessings in my life and those around me, praying to Him multiple times per day, attending church, leading my team...yet yearning for that spiritual high where I just feel God right there...telling me do this. Yep stressing and beating myself up because I feel like I'm doing something wrong to not feel that overwhelming sense of God.

Kelly and I planned months ago to go to this concert, one day out of the blue msged her and said find me a concert to go to (maybe not that directly), so she did...I see that was God, He knew that I would be at this loll and knew that I needed that time with Him to refocus. I didn't understand most the words JMM sang, no screen with words on it, so I just prayed.  Prayed for anything off my prayer list I could remember and for me to just live for His purpose and lead my family to live a life He would be proud of.  Then Chris August sang about forgiveness...reminders are always great. Gungor...Beautiful things. Look at all the beautiful things/people that God makes!!  He can make such beauty out of each of us...mess and all!  JMM back out with How He Loves! SO what I needed and my holy hands broke free (first time)!  I felt God's presence, had goose bumps and just felt His love.

The lied center was sold out tonight...we found that amazing that so many Lawrence folks loved God with us!! Then they asked how many were from here....the majority were from out of town. Kelly pointed out to me that Matt Cox, ECC pastor has said that there are so many in this city that don't know Christ/don't yet believe...Kelly made a good observation and how sad it is and how desperate the situation is that they need places like ECC.  This is why ECC is here, for a safe place that takes out ALL the roadblocks for people to come and have the opportunity to find faith in this Amazing God.  God picked the right place for ECC...I know He picked the right people to lead it, I know His purpose is for us to share His kind love for people on Sundays but every other day as well.  Again he put me at that concert next to Kelly...and he knew months ago that's what I would need.  Astonishing!  Thankful for a God that cares for this city! Thank You God for being present even when I'm not focused enough to see/feel you, thank you for knowing what I need and thank you for your instant forgiveness.

Be Active/Intentional

My emotions are high today and I feel VERY passionate about some things....that's your warning.  My FB status today "Being a christian does not mean you sit on a "holier than thou" throne and judge and belittle people!!  Beyond the meaning of following the beliefs of Christianity, It means you let God's unconditional, free love shine on and to others and to serve other people.  IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU or ME!'  I want to see Christian's active in showing God's love instead of just saying we're Christians!  BIG DIFFERENCE!  I am so thankful for a church that is teaching me how to become active in my faith for God and how to truly LOVE other people regardless (I'm FAR from perfect)...I am not on any throne! We are all servants...no one is above scrubbing any one's feet.  I pray a lot that I can become more active and more alive in my faith and in my relationship with God and I want that for EVERYONE!

I/we are to love ALL people...All people are God's people, Christian's or not. We are not to be tearing people down, Romans 12:3 talks about not thinking more highly of ourselves than we ought. Romans 12: 9-21 sums up "Love in action".  READ THAT!  Let God's love radiate through you. I promise you this...you will be rewarded in heaven but also on earth. I have lived through some tough things and whether I feel justified to have hatred doesn't matter, if I responded with hatred....well they win, evil wins, and I am just wasting this precious gift of life on earth away, respond with love and your heart will be joyous, wounds begin to heal.  Please make efforts with me to love other people, show kindness in all areas of your life, mend broken relationships, don't let petty or even big things get burrow hatred into your hearts.  You only have this moment, you are not guaranteed another year, another month, another day, another minute.  If someone your acting in meanness or hate to dies tomorrow....do you have regrets?  Regrets eat at you, get rid of them!  I speak from experience so learn from me so you don't have to learn the hard way.

My 2nd point I want to encourage everyone is be active in your faith. In the past I have been in the "idle" phase of my faith at points in my life. And now that I have been experiencing what it is like to grow and be active in my faith it is SO amazing. I love rejoicing to God of His great works. What are we here for?  Is it not to Share God's love and His good news? His Love, His Son's sacrifice is not meant for us to hoard and keep to ourselves.  Let God's love fill your heart and overflow into the other's hearts and lives around you. I am far from mastering this but I can tell you the more I love people and work...yes work at not judging people, at lending an ear, at loving people for who they are...my heart fills and beams with Joy. If you aren't active in a church find one, any church, read some scripture, let it sink in, help some random people, open doors for others, pick things up that someone else dropped, buy someone a coffee, pray a few times a day, smile at strangers and say hello as you pass by them, help someone move, make someone a dinner...do any of it...not for recognition but just to grow in loving people, to grow in loving God and having a relationship with God.  The kindness that I try to show others fills my heart, (someone called me selfless today...ha)...I'm selfish.  Helping people makes me feel happy because I love to see smiles and warm hearts....Helping people is my way of showing others God's love and just maybe there are doors that open that let's me share some of God's good news. 

I hope that just one person reads this and lets go of some anger towards someone and can show them love even though it's hard, I hope that someone might read this that is idle in their faith and relationship with God and will find someway to reignite their flame and their beliefs so that they can become a source for God to share His love through.

Dear God, Thank you for your love that cost me nothing, for loving me although I'm a mess, for proving to me that you never waste a hurt.  It hurts me to see others of faith not honoring your love and I hope that you will use me to help others see the big picture.  Please help me serve your people, keep my mind steadfast on you and your love and your purpose for me.  Help me stay active in loving you and loving others.  Help us Christians be what you called us to be, an image of you.  I love you.  Amen.

1Peter 4:8-9 NIV 8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 9 Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.

Past, Now, and Future

written last night but can't blog from my phone :(

Feeling excited tonight! Hard to wind down and fall asleep. Excited about the PAST year at ECC, the countless lives changed! The growth that so many of us are striving for just amazes me. People just continue to reach out. I love that it's not about me, yes I said that...It's not about me, or them, it's about creating place for people to come, right where they are in their life to hear and learn about God and Jesus. A place they can see God's love and kindness in action on Sundays but also throughout the week. If you were to meet any of us, any day of the week, I feel confident in saying that you would be treated w/ God's love. It's about letting God use us and form the church family that He wants to form and for us to never say "this is enough"...it's never enough, not until every last soul is safe. SO FREAKING EXCITING to be apart of that! God never had to prove anything to me. He has, but I never deserved it. He's proven to me He never wastes a hurt. In my own life I've experienced hurt and seen how He can use it. But now I'm seeing it through others. How He blesses those w/ pains. How He reaches around them, embraces them tightly and carries them through and says "thank you for being faithful, have another blessing". Just sitting here in awe of this Amazing, loving Father! I'm amazed at how He kindly puts me in my place, and He knows when I feel like I'm losing hope in something and He's like "watch this" and then doesn't something super duper BIG just to remind me of HOW BIG He is! Yep That's my God!

I'm excited for my NOW. The perspective that I've gained, for the love that I am able to feel, I know God doesn't have to "reach down" and comfort someone...He is right there, we can just reach out. I'm excited that I get to Share a relationship w/ God with my spouse and my kids. Something I pray I never take for granted. I'm excited for the compliments I got today that remind me that what I do, does matter and that it is all for God and that it's for His Honor, to Glorify Him! One compliment that made my day is this "I want you to know I think you are brave and strong and I am so amazed at your courage. Your faith is very powerful. Thank you for sharing it." Not tooting my horn....This is all God! I say "use me" and he does. He makes me strong, He gives me courage, He makes me want to shout from a mountain about his love and grace, He designed me to want to share His Good news and my Faith in Him! Makes me thrilled that God shines through Little ol' me....pretty awesome!

I'm so excited for the FUTURE! There is SO much more to come! This is not it! God has plans, BIG plans! I don't care what they are...but I can't wait to see them and I just pray that He will use me and that others will continue to let Him use them and New people will get that same eagerness to serve this AMAZING, LOVING God! Just so excited tonight for everything that has been, is now, and that will be!

A time to Celebrate

A time to Celebrate!

Well it's been a high emotion week. I think I've experienced more emotions than I can count on two hands ranging from lost hope, anger, love, hurt, proud, scared, peace, renewed hope to elated and more! I have had a extra spiritual week as well as I worked with God to forgive myself for things I have done like turning my back on God, asking Him not to look as I did drugs and whatever else. He so patiently waited for me to come back around so He could show me that He never left me that it was me that left Him. It's sad but true. So I forgave myself for that and MUCH more. And I have so much peace because God forgave me before I even asked him to forgive me. Yep He is THAT amazing!

I had a rough week at work (we all have those) and I just don't know what lies ahead for me there but that too I have handed over to God.

My MIL bought a house 10 houses down from me...yes 10 houses down. And has a disorder called Over Invasiveness caused by lack of respect and boundaries which we will be challenged to fight but hoping there is a cure right away. She will be moving in labor day weekend most likely as long as the inspection goes well.

ANNNNDDDD....drum roll.........Best for last...My husband, Tom made a real decision to follow Christ today!!! Yea that's right! God NEVER gave up on him! And met Tom right where he is, broken, lonely, and lost. Tom didn't have to make himself right in order to accept God, didn't have pretend he had it all together, just sat there as himself, as he is today and invited Jesus into his life. A day I have prayed for since I met Tom (not as constant as I should have been at times). And my church family has been praying for this also. So grateful for a church that created an environment where he liked coming, an environment that was safe for him to say..."I'm just trying to figure things out, I'm not sure what I believe", a church that is made up of broken people trying to create an environment that's safe for ALL those lost, broken, unbelievers, people like me that lost track of God and then felt TOO broken, too ashamed to face God. This church has given me renewed faith, my life back, my God back to me! I can smile and be joyous and have people to celebrate Christ with!! It's just the beginning for Tom BUT this is a NEW beginning, one that will include God and I know God has a plan just fit for him! I am so proud of my husband taking this HUGE leap in faith (it comes easy for some and not so easy for others). So yep! My husband turned his life over to christ today! I am more elated than most of you can imagine!! So flipping excited!

Dear God, my father, thank you for showing me once again that you are SO very present, that you hear prayers, that you answers prayers, and that everything is in YOUR time. Thank you for the gift of seeing you answer So many prayers but especially this one. Thank you for ECC and the people that brought it here and created our vision. Thank you for saving me and for saving Tom and for the many other saved lives this past 1.5 years! Thank you for my beautiful family, and for loving us and meeting us right where we are, regardless how Broken we may be. I love you and thank you for loving us! Thank you for being right here, walking with me everyday. Thank you for knowing what I need better than I do. YOU ARE SO MIGHTY! I am not worthy of you love or the healing you have given me and you give it to me anyway. Here I am Lord, Use me, how and where you want to! I am yours. Thank you! I love you God! Amen!

This a moment to celebrate, celebrate Tom giving into God's will. A time to celebrate God's power, God's strength, God's LOVE! Every life turned over to God is a reason to celebrate!

God is AMAZING

I wrote this last night but silly phone wouldn't upload it.

I am so full of faith and life right now and I feel like I would take any leap for this amazing God! I am beyond grateful....what words can I use to describe this gratitude? I mean my loving God, father, friend, gives me this precious gift of his son dying a tragic, horrid death, rising from the grave so that my debt is paid....so that I can have life eternally, He and only He can make me understand and give purpose to my hurts and allow me to feel the healing in my heart that he has....how to describe my gratitude to this amazing God?  Thank you seems like such little words. I thank God, nearly every prayer I start with a sincere "thank u for ECC". Thank you isn't enough!!!! Sharing His love, inviting others to experience His love, His ECC, serving His people...this is my Thank you to God. Sharing his Good News...which should be called Great News...Change your life news! This is the only way I know to do more than say "thank you God".  God just amazes me everyday!!!

Tonight, at Worship night, (a Party we get to throw for God),  God's love just poured out for me/people so fast, hit me hard! And it's so freakin' amazing to see SO MANY coming forward to announce their decision to follow Christ (through baptism)!!!

It's hits me harder than ever, this is why God made us! To Believe, To announce are faith, move forward with it/with Him, striving for intentional growth...reaching out to everyone, modeling his love to each person we come in contact with, sharing His new Good News!! I am FAR...let me repeat FFFAAARRR from perfect! I get annoyed with people and I take things for granted, I judge (although I work hard to keep my mind neutral), I unfortunately have to catch myself frequently. Thankful God is a forgiving God!  But I want to make My God proud. I don't want my hurts wasted, I don't want to waste this precious time on earth with petty BS worries and petty time fillers. I want to SHOUT "I LOVE JESUS and His FATHER!!". I want to LET his love to shine through me, I want to LET him USE me how HE wants to!  I want to do this because he first loved me and as a feeble attempt to thank him back!

Tonight was Awesome! My heart was light, Joyous, happy...I shed some tears, tears of utter thrill and disbelief...that our God loves us broken, hopeless, or not.  He wants us....it was so absolutely Amazing to see the lives that he has moved in and the decisions to profess their faith!  I have felt Satan have a slight hold on me at points .... trying to drag me down and I am quick to see his distractions and quick to say " not today!"

I look forward to God using me! I am surrendered to him! That feels so freakin' amazing!!!!!....!!!!...!!!!!

Cheers

Unable to sleep. I fell a sleep for 15 minutes then Treyton woke me up....and here I am with thoughts of my life running through my mind. I look at my life...and I think I believed in God and Jesus since I was young, I say I think...because now I KNOW I believe in God giving his own son to die on a cross for our sins and be resurrected so that we may have eternal life in heaven. I feel it with every ounce of my being. I feel his love, I feel passion and love for God. I can see that without God I would be full of anger, hate, bitterness and instead I have qualities of God, kindness, forgiveness, compassion and love for people. Even th people that have hurt me badly....I don't wish them pain, I forgive them, pray for them and try to understand that they were hurt as children too. For some reason God has saved me from that crap and allowed me to not be like them. I am so forever grateful to God for that. I feel my life in so many ways is evidence that God exists. I did believe in the simple truth there was a God and a Jesus...I just don't think I understood....the depth of that....that he gave up his son...for me...this mess of a person and that he could save me, save me from my hurts, that he could love me, forgive me and let me into his heavenly home when he deems my time on earth is done. I don't think I understood that, not that I can completely grasp it now either. Now looking back I can see where God was in all my hurts...right there with me helping me get out. I can't help but have this passion to help people know his love and know that he is pursuing them and that he is jealous for their love and attention. I still need a mountain, an outlet, I want someone to know that healing can happen and it happens through Christ. I am so excited for this weekend....might be a mountain in more ways than one....one to conquer and two to shout from and three to celebrate Christ from!!!!

My goals...to wake up daily saying "God Use me, all day, everyday, don't let me sweat the small stuff", to take shame out of abuse, to let people know healing can happen, to help people know about God and his son, to live each day to the fullest, with forgiveness, compassion, and God's love shining through me, to be humbled. I am just a body for God to use...a temple....if someone had said "my body is a temple" a year ago....I would probably would of thought they had lost their minds. But here I am using that sentence, comprehending it, that my body is for God's purpose, to do his work. My experiences are for character building, he's giving me tools to do his work. CRAZY that my God, our God, thinks I/we can do his work...that we are worthy of his love! I am just amazed, I am just at the beginning of grasping this stuff...I can't wait to learn more, to love more, to pray more, to grow more! Cheers to living life for God!