Funny how God knows what we need...well not funny or surprising, after all he made us. I imagine every person of faith has highs and lows in their spiritual journey. I have had those as well. I have experienced the high of accepting Christ/ making the choice to believe in him. Just what I needed at the time, something greater than human to believe in. I could sit here and list things/people/events one right after another that God placed in my life to lift me up right when I needed but I won't. Fast forward to last year finding ECC....He knew that I had reached a maturity level I could start sifting through and facing my past and surrounded me with safe, non judging people, and a church where I could reunite with God. Since then the shame of being sexually abused, a previous drug user, of being a sinner in so many ways has been lifted enough that I could face God and see that I didn't/don't have to get myself fixed in order to get right w/ God or to have God love me. That's right...you don't have to be anything other than YOU, mess and all to say "Hi God, I'm here, help me". So my passion for God was re lit, my yearning to look for God, learn about God, Love God, Hear God, know I'm loved by God, and to share God all very present.
God has done amazing work in me and I will never forget how intensely I felt His overwhelming sense of presence 5/7 months ago while he worked on me to share my story...I would wake up and God was right there saying "your going to do this, I want you to do this". Yea, yea...I know it sounds weird to say God said something to me...but He did. I thought about it several times a day and would pray, I wanted to share but was scared to be vulnerable. But everyday I was thinking about how to say these things that had happened, how this could help others find healing through Jesus and knowing they are not alone....until I did share...and WHEW, God gave me instant relieve just after recording it. I knew that by doing that it would say...God met me where I was, mess and all and there is healing...through Him! There's Hope! Then I shared my story at church, wasn't nervous like I thought I should be, God was right there comforting me, keeping me calm. That was my biggest ever spiritual high, I literally FELT Him with me, I was doing His work, for His purpose...that's the most right and best I think I've ever felt. Doing something completely for God and knowing it was what He wanted.
Then the last few months have just been crazy, family chaos, work crap/stress, marital stress, parental stress...things I do just not good enough, lack of organization. I've been trying to have quiet time w/ God, reading the bible, praising and thanking God for SO many blessings in my life and those around me, praying to Him multiple times per day, attending church, leading my team...yet yearning for that spiritual high where I just feel God right there...telling me do this. Yep stressing and beating myself up because I feel like I'm doing something wrong to not feel that overwhelming sense of God.
Kelly and I planned months ago to go to this concert, one day out of the blue msged her and said find me a concert to go to (maybe not that directly), so she did...I see that was God, He knew that I would be at this loll and knew that I needed that time with Him to refocus. I didn't understand most the words JMM sang, no screen with words on it, so I just prayed. Prayed for anything off my prayer list I could remember and for me to just live for His purpose and lead my family to live a life He would be proud of. Then Chris August sang about forgiveness...reminders are always great. Gungor...Beautiful things. Look at all the beautiful things/people that God makes!! He can make such beauty out of each of us...mess and all! JMM back out with How He Loves! SO what I needed and my holy hands broke free (first time)! I felt God's presence, had goose bumps and just felt His love.
The lied center was sold out tonight...we found that amazing that so many Lawrence folks loved God with us!! Then they asked how many were from here....the majority were from out of town. Kelly pointed out to me that Matt Cox, ECC pastor has said that there are so many in this city that don't know Christ/don't yet believe...Kelly made a good observation and how sad it is and how desperate the situation is that they need places like ECC. This is why ECC is here, for a safe place that takes out ALL the roadblocks for people to come and have the opportunity to find faith in this Amazing God. God picked the right place for ECC...I know He picked the right people to lead it, I know His purpose is for us to share His kind love for people on Sundays but every other day as well. Again he put me at that concert next to Kelly...and he knew months ago that's what I would need. Astonishing! Thankful for a God that cares for this city! Thank You God for being present even when I'm not focused enough to see/feel you, thank you for knowing what I need and thank you for your instant forgiveness.
